Today's the Day

Well, as promised, here I am, Day 1 and ready to go.

First things first, my weighin. I haven't weighed myself for a month now and was quite scared about getting back on those scales. I was sure I was back in the 100's, just by the way my body feels when I walk. Well, first thing this morning, I climb on the scales, totally butt naked and I am ...... 96.9kg. So that wasn't as bad as I thought.

Made sure I had breakfast this morning, 25g Cheerios and 1/2 a cup of skim milk. And that's it so far today. We quickly nicked to the shop and Pete decided to try a Pretzos Pretsil (today of all days, the shops been there for 3 months now at least) waves it in front of my face and says "want to try it" I give him a foul look and say "Hello, first day of WW" he says "just try a little bit, it's nice" I give him really dirty look and say "stop trying to sabotage me, this is hard enough as it is" End of conversation, quite happy with myself.

Need to keep going today and even manage a walk. May walk to school and pick Bethany up if weather holds off. Can get 30mins by myself and then the 20min walk back with her. That would be good, fingers crossed.

I just keep saying to myself, get through today and it will only get easier, but we all know the truth don't we LOL.

Missing in Action

Geez, have I been off the radar for a while.

Flashback to last month. I really hit a big low with my depression. By the 1st of June it had totally consumed me to the point where I sat crying in the shower for half an hour just not wanting to move or even try and get out. The thing that sent me over the edge? A totally innocent comment from my beautiful daughter in the middle of the shopping centre. We had had a totally stressful week as we were changing our mortgage provider and trying to arrange renovations for our house. That afternoon I nicked over to the shop, with Bethany in tow. Pete had asked me to get him a couple of beers, which I did, and while getting our shopping I thought to myself, well if he is having them, I might just have some choccy, and grabbed myself some. Then, while waiting in line, Bethany looked up at me, poked me in the stomach with her finger and said at the top of her lungs, "You've got another bubby in your tummy, haven't ya mum". Everyone turned around to look at me and smiled, obviously thinking I was pregnant and I just turned bright red. When I got to the checkout assistant, I handed her the chocolate, saying we didn't need it any more and I raced home to which I locked myself in the bathroom. It was two days before my 31st birthday and I was over 20kg heavier than I was 2 years ago and about 12kg heavier than I was last year.

Then next morning I made a vow to myself to just relax. Stay away from everything weigh related for a month and not go anywhere near the scales, which I haven't. And I'm glad I did because since then things have only got more stressful. We are still in the middle of our renovations, in fact our garage door is being put on this very minute as I type. I had my father-in-law here for a whole week painting our house (it seemed like a good idea at the time, but two days into it I was tearing my hair out!) and then I had Bethany's 5th birthday party on Saturday with a bouncing castle booked and hail and thunder in the morning, talk about stressful.

But here I am today, still alive, and getting stronger by the day. I know my weight has ballooned out, not from weighing myself but by the clothes that fit and don't fit. But in four days time, I am going to start again. I am going to remove all my gains and losses from my sidebar. Clear the slate and get rid of all negativity. I am ready to try again and I hope that my month off hasn't chased you all away because I am going to need all the help I can get. In fact I think there are actually only about four or five or you out there that still read my blog, so I thank you. If there are any lurkers (people who don't leave comments) reading my blog, please let me know because I need all the support I can.

And just before I sign off, here is a pic of my birthday girl looking so grown up.

And her beautiful smile

I am spending the next couple of days catching up with all of you and what has been going on over the last month. Four sleeps to go.

See you all soon.

What a week

Have not had the best of weeks.

Am actually feeling rather low today. Have had family issues, money problems, housework, school issues, everything being left to me to fix and put on my shoulders and on top of that am feeling really depressed about the way I look and the fact that it is raining and cold and I don't have one piece of winter clothing that fits me as last winter I was pregnant and the winter before that I was almost 72kg!

So after spending most of today wallowing around in my own misery I hoped on the computer to catch up on everyone else's lives. Paulene is so hyped at the moment to be back on the weightloss bandwagon and back at the gym and also Jules who is hit virgin fat and Janene who is back to tracking and back in her jeans and I thought to myself "stop feeling sorry for yourself girl and do something about it"

So I am going to! I know I have been saying that for weeks but I have to now. For my peace of mind. I want to be happy again and the only one who can do anything about it is me. So fingers crossed everyone and send me your positive thoughts.

Winds of Change

Well things are achanging in this household.

Firstly, I am starting to get better. I finally got my voice back sometime late Thursday. I still wake up in the morning kinda blocked up but for the rest of the day I'm fine now. The same with Caitlyn. She seems to only be congested when she wakes and when she goes to bed. I weighed in on Friday at 95.3kg, a gain of 500g, which I was expecting as I wasn't really considering anything last week except for trying to get better.

Secondly, my baby (well they're both my babies so my youngest) turned six months old yesterday. Today, I moved her cot into her own room, out of our room. I moved Bethany into her own room when she was six and half months old so roughly at the same stage. Once I had done it I felt so sad. I walked around the big empty spot in our bedroom just thinking she's gone now, she's growing up. It is going to be so strange to sleep without her (I bet I will wake every hour). I just hope she sleeps well. She took her 2 naps OK in there today after I had moved it so fingers crossed.

BATHTIME!!!!

Finally, I think I am ready to stop thinking about doing something about my weight and finally start doing something. I have had ENOUGH. No more excuses. I am having so much trouble get up and down off the floor after playing with the girls, I have no energy and I run out of breath far to easily. I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE AND HEALTHY AGAIN!

And its time to start NOW!

Well off to bed now to try and get some sleep on my first night alone (except for Pete but you know what I mean) Boo Hoo.

What goes around, comes around

Well, as to be expected, I got Bethany's flu bug. And I got it bad.

By 1.30pm last Monday, after doing my last blog entry, I started getting a sore throat and by 4pm I had the fever and no voice. I was so bad that come midnight, I was still awake shivering. Pete ended up taking Tuesday off to care for the girls and I spent most of the day sleeping, of course, Bethany was totally over the flu by now. By Wednesday the fever had gone but my throat was still killing me but I had my voice back. Pete however got a bit of a cough and some aches and pains but that was it as he gets a flu shot from work so he only got it a little. Thursday I was feeling much better but Friday I woke up without a voice again and at this stage in time I still don't have it back properly. Friday afternoon Caitlyn started looking very pale and not so lively. Saturday she woke up with a really runny nose and fever. She fevered on and off all day and that night I rushed to the chemist to get her more Panadol and also discovered some infants cold and allergy drops to help with her nose. Yesterday she seemed more herself but still very congested in the nose. Last night she had some major issues, waking every 20 minutes from about 9.30pm. By 11.15pm I bit the bullet and nursed her in bed on her side while I sat up and dosed on a pillow. Once she had stayed asleep longer than 20 minutes I transferred her back to her cot, turned out the lamp and started to drift off. 15 minutes later, Bethany woke crying from a bad dream. So come midnight we finally settled down to sleep. Luckily Caitlyn stayed asleep however Pete had to get up for work at 5.30am and Caitlyn woke at 6am, so not a lot of sleep was had by us grown ups.

So the flu absolutely guttered this household and Caitlyn and I are still waiting to recover.

I did weighin on Friday for the first week of Paulene's challenge and had a 1kg loss but I think that was just due to not eating a lot while ill and now that I am back to eating, will have to do it properly, I just have to get over this bug.

Well just a quick update today to let you all know how things are going. I do so hope that I wake with a voice and some energy tomorrow.

That time of the year

Have been flat out looking after Bethany over the last few days. Poor thing isn't very well and on cruising the blogs this morning have found that Paulene and Karen's wee Rachel haven't been well either. It is definately that time of the year for the bugs to start hitting.

Weighed in on Friday, ready to start the new 12 week challenge, with my weight back to 95.8kg. Definately didn't help that I got TOM that morning either, but you can't help bad luck.

The in-laws popped up on Saturday and made me feel good though, eventhough my weight was up. They both asked me (seperate to each other) if I was back on track because I had definately lost weight. They both didn't believe me when I told them no, in fact I was at one of my highest weights since the start of the new year.

So, here I am today, raring to go for a walk or to the gym but can't as Bethany is home from school, lying on the lounge watching the Wiggles. Will have to wait for Pete to get home and go then.

There are little exercises I can do, like my situps, pushups, squats that I can do so will do a little of them. I have also gone out and bought myself, wait for it, a skipping rope. I am going to start off slowly, like doing 10 jumps a day, and then build up because its been ages since I have used a skipping rope.

I have also asked my mum and sister to buy me for my birthday (in 4 weeks!) the 20kg punching bag and gloves in this weeks Kmart catalogue for $49.99. That would be great. Whenever I feel moody I can just go out and beat that instead of eating a chocolate bar.

So that's it for today. Must go and tend to Bethany, she is sooooo bored and really wants to go to school but I have told her she can't cause she would make all her friends sick. Poor thing.

Catchya later

Organising

Have been totally absent yet again but I am trying to get things organised so I can have a decent go of Paulene's next 12 week challenge. Well to be more accurate, I am trying to get a handle on this dizziness that I am still getting.

I have been trying to take things easy, thinking I might just be short on energy but now I get dizzy doing small things as well. Pete really wants me to go to the doctor about it but I don't really like my doctor anymore as she doesn't really listen, she just talks at you, if you know what I mean and I don't really want to payout any more money to her than I have to.

I think some of it could also be that I am not really eating properly anymore. I am back to just grabbing a bit when I have time, not planned breakfast and lunch, which wouldn't be helping my head or my energy levels either.

So, as I was saying, I did as little as possible last week but didn't really keep a watch on my eating which resulted in a 200g loss on Friday. What the? When I try to lose weight it doesn't work but when I don't try, I lose. No wonder people go insane trying to lose weight!!!!

So this week I am going to start with the basics, drinking water, eating properly and maybe just a gentle walk(weather permitting) to try and get a basic rhythm back in my body and hopefully everything will reset. If not I may be forced to go to the doctor.

I spent the whole of this morning catching up on everyones blogs although have failed to leave any comments on any(how antisocial of me). And most exciting of all, last week I found my inspiration again, literally. Way back in 2004, through the WW website, I stumbled on the blog of Lyn. She was an amazing lady who, just by reading her blog, inspired me to give it a try myself and hence my first blog was created. She lost heaps of weight and was almost to her goal when she had some personal problems and disappeared of the radar, totally understandable. Anyhoo, last week, through Karen's blog I have found her again. She has put some weight back on and is starting all over again to get back to goal. Since finding her blog, reading everything she has been through and how she has the strengh to try again has really given me a good boot up the butt and I am totally hanging out to start Paulene's challenge on Friday and give it a good shot. It is great to have Lyn back again, eventhough we have never met, it is like finding a long lost friend again and I am glad that we can try to get back to our goals again together.

Well must be off, Bethany finishes school in half an hour and I must (unfortunately) go and wake my sleeping Caitlyn so I can pick her up.

I vow to be back within the next couple of days to update. PROMISE.