When reality hits, it hits hard

Where have I been? It feels like the wilderness and I have been totally out of control.

Haven’t really been taking care of myself or looking out for me, always putting my girls and everyone else first. The consequences, I feel miserable. I mean, I have gone totally off the rails and I am still in the 80’s, just I think I have actually been too scared to weigh myself since Friday. Friday I did brave the scales and was relieved to have a 700g gain back to 87.6kg.
Yes I am still in the 80’s! What do I have to feel miserable about some of you may be asking. I just do. I only have about 4 nice tops that fit that I wear to work, 2 pairs of pants, maybe 2 outfits to wear outside of work, that’s it. I feel bloated and huge, ugly and just depressed. I have also found out a relative that has recently started to lose weight (one of the ones that got stroppy when I lost my weight) has secretly joined weight watchers (I am not supposed to know) and she is actually losing weight!

The culmination of this miserable, depressed state of mind was yesterday. Reality hit in a big way. Peter, me and the girls went out with my mum and sister. Took Bethany to a kids play place for a few hours as it was the last day of her holidays. Then we went to the big, outlet shopping centre for a look around. My sister has recently started putting on weight (gone from a size 8-10 to a 12-14) and needed new, nice going out clothes. We walked around this 2 storey shopping centre and not one shop had one piece of clothing in my size, NOT ONE! This did not help my mood and I finally decided not to upset myself anymore and waited outside the shop while my mum and sister went in. (Peter had broken away from our group to look at “man” stuff. He came back to find me outside in the 37 degree heat crying my eyes out in front of all passers by because I couldn’t find a top for work.

This has to end. I have to stop making excuses. I could blame the fact that TOM arrived yesterday but I have no one to blame but me. I put the crap in my mouth. I don’t exercise, I make poor choices and I do shit all about it. ITS MY FAULT and ITS TIME TO STOP.

Reality has hit in a big way and its up to me.