Sunday, March 23, 2008

Busy, busy, busy

Once again have succeeded in a lack of updates but it has been so flat out around here.

After my last entry and catching up with all your blogs I was fired up and ready to get back to normal life. Monday was fantastic, tracked my points, drank a litre of water, went for a walk. Then everything went south. My mum got sick, so I had to take a day off work(not that that was a bad thing), getting the house ready for the onslaught of visitors this weekend (had one lot yesterday and one lot due tomorrow) and just everyday life. Was starting to feel real rundown and emotional by Thursday. And then the realisation of Easter hit me and chocolate and weight and I sat myself down and straightened things out. I had already ensured that I wasn't getting too much chocolate (girls got me a tiny bunny, Pete got me 6 Lindt balls and an egg and mum got me a bunny), not really into the hot cross buns this year and for the 2 BBQs got myself marinated chicken kebabs to have instead of sausages and steak. Then I planned to get back on track as of tomorrow, not weighin until Friday and start fresh from Friday.

Then I started to worry about the visitors that were coming yesterday. Pete's Family. Am always worried about what they think and what they say because compared to other members of their family, I am not good enough in their eyes. So yesterday morning before they were due to come, went running around the shop to find a nice top to look "presentable" in but all the ones I liked were too small (did not help the mental negativity I had been feeling for the last couple of days) so just decided to save the money and wear one I bought at the beginning of the year. Got home, got myself ready, made sure the house was cleaner than it had been in months and they arrived. This was Pete's mum and dad (his mum is the one I mentioned that started WW and didn't want me to know but now goes on about all the weight she is losing). Thought I would be supportive and instead of puting out the usual biscuits and cake that I usually do when they come, made a fresh fruit platter with grapes, nectarines, plums, pears & apples. They gave the girls their easter eggs and they started to eat them so I put out the platter and told everyone to dig in. Pete's dad did but no, his mum decided to eat part of Caitlyn's egg instead (if I sound a little negative and vindictive, this will be explained in a moment)

Day continues, Pete starts the BBQ and I take care of my kebabs. Pete's dad comes up to me (been here about an hour now) and says "so hows the walking going" (asks me EVERY time I see him" I say "not too good, I just don't have time at the moment" to which he responds "yeah, I can tell". I was guttered. I came into the house and started crying. Bethany saw me and wanted to know what was wrong. I told her I had hurt myself. I composed myself and went back out but I bearly said a word for the rest of the day.

Food was served. I had my 2 kebabs and salad (hey big news, I am eating cucumber now, never eaten it before, still don't like it by making myself eat at leasst 3 pieces a day" His mum on WW ate a sausage, a kebab, a piece of steak, a hash brown and salad. To me that was almost a whole days worth of points on that one plate!!

After they left I went to pick my mum up to go to the shop and I cried all the way there. Mum was fuming. But I am sticking to my plan. Have eaten my little bunny from the girls already. 2 to go and then back to normal life.

Sorry if this post has been all "Woe is me" but I just could not believe what happened and my state of mind has not been the best as it is for the last couple of days.

But on to better things (I know this is a monster post but almost finished). We had a new scrapbook shop open in our suburb last month (just when I got the scrapping bug back) and when I went up there I bought their monthly competition pack (you get a piece of cardboard, some paper and other little things) and have to make a layout. The winner gets a $15 dollar voucher to spend. Well I did my layout and put it in. I told them that I wasn't too sure about it because it was the first bit of scrapping I had done in over 6 months. Well last Saturday I got a phone call and I had won.

This is it:

so now I have a bit of confidence in myself, I am currently finishing a submission to them to join the design team. If I get accepted I have to make something for them every 2 months, so that not overdoing it too much, considering everthing I am showing here I have made in the last 4 weeks. I have to show them 2 single page layouts like this one above, 1 double page layout, 2 cards (I have never made cards before) and an off the page item. An off the page item is something like a frame, calendar, clock, box, anything that is not a scrapbook page. I made this

and this is my first ever attempt at making a card

So I am slowly starting to get some ME time again. If I can just get the walking in as well, I willl be happy.
Hope everyone has a great easter. Will be back in the next couple of days with (hopefully) a happier, brighter update.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Fallen of the face of the Earth

I am sorry but I needed to take a much needed break. I know it was rude and I shouldn't have just "disappeared" but I decided I needed some ME time.

I haven't weighed myself, I haven't exercised, I haven't stressed about my eating (probably put on a ton), BUT I HAVE played with my kids, I HAVE done some scrapbooking (missed it soooo much), I HAVE tried to take it easy on myself, I HAVE just been ME.

So now 5 weeks down the track I don't know how big I am (I do know that my waistbands are feeling tighter), I only have 29 weeks from this Friday until my wedding anniversary and I feel as big as a house, no one to blame but me but I just needed the time.

Am still working in my temp job, now approaching 13 weeks and as far as I know I have at least another 5 weeks, maybe more, thank goodness because with all these interest rate hikes we need the money.

Girls are doing great, have had some dramas with Bethany's year one teacher, she has only been teaching 2 years out in the bush and did not have a clue what she was doing in the class and they were running wild. I culmintated one day with me and Peter in a meeting with the principal telling her exactly what was going on. Now they are trying to work with her and "teach" her how to teach. Bethany is definately enjoying it more since we had the meeting.

Caitlyn is growing in leaps and bounds. Sometimes I look at her and think, where has the time gone. I feel like nothing has changed except the size of my girls.

Which brings me back to me, time to change. And I'll leave it at that!

Now off to catch up on all your blogs and let you all know I am back.

Once again, sorry for being rude but it was either time out and break down!

Monday, February 4, 2008

When reality hits, it hits hard

Where have I been? It feels like the wilderness and I have been totally out of control.

Haven’t really been taking care of myself or looking out for me, always putting my girls and everyone else first. The consequences, I feel miserable. I mean, I have gone totally off the rails and I am still in the 80’s, just I think I have actually been too scared to weigh myself since Friday. Friday I did brave the scales and was relieved to have a 700g gain back to 87.6kg.
Yes I am still in the 80’s! What do I have to feel miserable about some of you may be asking. I just do. I only have about 4 nice tops that fit that I wear to work, 2 pairs of pants, maybe 2 outfits to wear outside of work, that’s it. I feel bloated and huge, ugly and just depressed. I have also found out a relative that has recently started to lose weight (one of the ones that got stroppy when I lost my weight) has secretly joined weight watchers (I am not supposed to know) and she is actually losing weight!

The culmination of this miserable, depressed state of mind was yesterday. Reality hit in a big way. Peter, me and the girls went out with my mum and sister. Took Bethany to a kids play place for a few hours as it was the last day of her holidays. Then we went to the big, outlet shopping centre for a look around. My sister has recently started putting on weight (gone from a size 8-10 to a 12-14) and needed new, nice going out clothes. We walked around this 2 storey shopping centre and not one shop had one piece of clothing in my size, NOT ONE! This did not help my mood and I finally decided not to upset myself anymore and waited outside the shop while my mum and sister went in. (Peter had broken away from our group to look at “man” stuff. He came back to find me outside in the 37 degree heat crying my eyes out in front of all passers by because I couldn’t find a top for work.

This has to end. I have to stop making excuses. I could blame the fact that TOM arrived yesterday but I have no one to blame but me. I put the crap in my mouth. I don’t exercise, I make poor choices and I do shit all about it. ITS MY FAULT and ITS TIME TO STOP.

Reality has hit in a big way and its up to me.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Weighin day

Well as promised, here I am. Weighin day today and finally a loss - 600g - not a lot but pretty good considering I really didn't start doing anything until Tuesday.

Just shows ya that if ya move ya big fat butt, stuff happens!

So 4 weeks into the new year and I have accomplished a total of 100g loss. Woohoo. What a waste. I could've done so much by now and here I am just starting.

At least now I have done my last full time day at work and am now doing 4.5hours a day. Will be home by 3pm, gives me time to clean the house, get dinner, get girls sorted and get exercise. Things should really start to settle now - fingers crossed.

Well just a short and sweet one tonight, might finally have an early night for a change. WOW - whats that.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I know, I know.

I know, I promised regualar updates and have slacked off considerably but things have been hectic around here.

I went into work on Thursday and told them that I wouldn't be staying the extra 4-6 weeks. Mark(my boss) was great. He rang the employment agency and told them that I had a permanent job. When I rang them, my consultant, Rebecca, told me that Mark was really upset to be losing me but they could not offer me a part time job yet as they weren't allocated that kind of position in the budget. They had just fought to get 6 permanent full time staff (the jobs are advertised next week). Tuesday was to be my last day and I would start the Spotlight job on Wednesday.

Friday weighed in with another stay the same. Can't move a bloody gram at the moment but I spose that happens when you don't do anything about it.

Tuesday, Bethany woke up throwing up. Ended up having to take the day off work (last day!) but went in for 30mins to hand in security card and say goodbye. Mark asked me to leave my name and number for future reference and as I left wished me good luck with the new job but if it went pear-shaped to give him a call. I must have done a good job. That afternoon, seeing that I was home at a decent time and the girls were actually in bed before 8pm, I went for my first 30min walk of the new year. It felt great to actually be doing something!

Yesterday went to new job (after Peter waking up throwing up, at least Bethany was better) from 10am to 3pm. When I got there I was told the job wasn't permanent it was only casual. And you know what I did for the day. I spent 2 hours with the manager reading my employment paperwork to me out loud. Had 10 min break for water and spent the next 2 hours and 50mins sorting out ribbon (putting the right colours together on the shelves). As I left the manager said to me, see you tomorrow, we'll go through some more documents and then find something else for you to do. In short, IT SUCKED.

I got home and said to Pete and Mum that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I had left a job that I thoroughly enjoyed, loved and was good at for a crap job that I might still be lucky to have in 2 weeks. As you said Lyn, which job do I enjoy? So I rang Mark and you know what he said "I expected to hear from you but not so soon. Can you come back tomorrow or would you like to have tomorrow and Friday off and come back next week"

Hows that! I said that I would come back today (need the money). He is still willing for me to got to part time hours from next week so I will be able to take Bethany to school and pick her up. Today he called the employment agency and told them I was back. On the way home I rang Rebecca to ask how long he had extended my contract for and she said he wanted it ongoing and "it sounds like he wants to keep you". I'm wrapt. Even if it is only for another 6 weeks but I would like it to be permanent.

And with all that going on, I still managed to go for a walk yesterday afternoon and today too. Three days running! And each day I can walk a bit further in my 30mins. Soon I will be back to where I was.

And speaking of walking, on Friday, Caitlyn took her first steps. As of today she will get up and walk about a dozen steps by herself and then drop or she will walk the entire length of the house holding our hands. She has even walked holding Bethany's hand, which thrilled Bethany.

So as you can see, busy things going on but as of next week things should start to settle when I start my part-time routine.

I promise I will be back tomorrow to let you know how weigh in goes.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Need some advice

I need some advice.

As I mentioned in my last post, my current contract job is offering me around another 4 weeks work. That's 37.5 hours next week and then 22 hours a week for the following 3 weeks at $24 an hour.

The problem I have is today I have been offered a permanent part time job at Spotlight starting in the middle of next week. I told them at the interview that I can only work school hours and every alternate Saturday. They want me for 15 hours next week starting Wednesday and then permanently after that but no set roster as yet but no less than 8 hours a week.

The problem is if I take this part time job I can't finish the temp job which would have given us an extra $2000 for the 4 weeks before tax. But then after those 4 weeks I would have nothing. If I take this part time job it is not as much money so quickly but its for good.


My head is aching trying to work out what to do. If it had been the beginning of December before I got this temp job I would have jumped at it. Or even if I hadn't been offered an extention (the temp job was supposed to end Friday). But now all I can think of is that it will take me twice as long to earn what I will earn at Spotlight (roughly, thinking it will take 8 weeks to earn what I will earn for 4 weeks IF I get 22 hours every week) but then after that 8 weeks I will be getting extra - know what I mean?

I just know I am going to be tossing and turning for the next few nights.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

So tired

I really don't know how you full time working mummies do it. I'm exhausted.

And just as I was saying to Bethany this morning that after today there would only be 6 more days of me working full time, I went to work and was told by my boss that they were so impressed with my work would I extend my time there another 4 - 6 weeks. I told him the first week wouldn't be a problem but after that I would have to go to part time as Bethany would be going back to school ( a week before she actually does but I want to spend some time with her before she goes back). He asked me what hours I could work when she went back to school and I told him 9.30am - 2pm (am currently working 8.30am - 4.30pm) and on Tuesdays 9.39am - 1.30pm as she finishes early. He said that wasn't and issue and would I stay, so I said yes.

So now I have another 11 days full time and then 15-25 days part time. It helps us out by between $2000-$3000 before tax(depending on how long I actually stay). But I feel so guilty about not being there for Bethany. We have taken her swimming, to the Aquarium and on a long train ride down south and back so far these holidays. I have already planned to take her to the zoo, Pete is taking her to the water slides and I am going to take her roller skating one afternoon after one of my part time days (she got skates for Christmas from her cousin).

And then there is the big surprise. She doesn't know that on the 28th we are going to see Hi-5 (remember back when I got the tickets, 4 rows back from the stage). We still haven't told her and don't intend to until we get there.

So it's not like she has sat home all holidays. I just miss her and Caitlyn heaps while I'm at work.

Well will sign off now. I just want to go to bed. Before I go, here are some pics from the Star Wars party the girls were invited to. I made Bethany's costume from looking at pics like the one below but cheated and bought Caitlyn's off Ebay (came with a headpiece but I couldn't fasten it on so had to improvise with her real hair)

I just love my galactic princesses.