Yep, am off track again.
I decided last week when I weighed in (a 900g gain that I was expecting) that I would just take some me time and take a break from the weight battle. You see I am battling other things at the moment. I'm battling feeling of being useless and a failure as I weigh more now than I did at the beginning of the year. I am battling the constant feeling of being tired with no energy (even after a good workout at the gym). Lately I have been feeling miserable and depressed at stupid little things.
Like last Friday. Pete had his day off so I used my day spa voucher at last. When I left Caitlyn was asleep. I had her formula all measure out and told Peter to empty both sides of the container into the bottle. I left him sitting at the table playing with his fishing tackle.
I had the best 2 hours at the spa and felt terrific, sure that I felt good enough to get over my slight gain and back to action. But when I got home, Caitlyn was happily playing on the floor, Pete was still sitting where I had left him playing with his fishing stuff, no dishes had been done, no washing, no cleaning or tidying and I discovered that he had only put half the formula in her bottle, claiming he didn't hear me say both lots.
I just looked at everything, walked to the toilet and broke down. I felt miserable, like I have to do everything and the only reason I'm around is to play maid and childcarer. Then that afternoon I got my TOM, AGAIN!!! I had it just 2 weeks ago. Explains my mood.
Then Saturday Caitlyn got diarrohea and has had it for the last 4 days. In the matter of nine hours I changed 7 pooey nappies at one stage. She is now starting to come right with the help of some rice cereal. She had a gastro bug, I think the same one that made Bethany throw up 2 weeks ago, because now my mum and my sister have it.
The thing is I am still in the same mood. I know its not the baby blues, as the only time I feel good is when I am playing with my girls, especially the reactions Caitlyn is giving me at the moment.
So I have taken this week to take the pressure off, eat what I want, relax and start to get things organised to try again. I am trying different, new diet foods to see what I like, I have started taking a womens multivitamin to help give me more energy. I have an appointment at the gym next Tuesday for an appraisal. I still feel fat and miserable but there is nothing much I can do about it as I only have myself to blame.
I am probably going to weigh even more this week, but so be it. Let's just say that it will be the highest I will be this year and the only way is down, because I really, truely don't want to get any bigger. Hopefully by Friday weighin the vitamins will have kicked in to give me more energy, my TOM will be gone and I'll be raring to go.
Sorry this post has been whinging and a real downer, but I really feel this bad if not worse. I'll post a better, upbeat one tomorrow, I promise.
Before I go, heres a recent pic of the lights of my life:
5 comments:
*hugs* hun... don't be too hard on yourself and I think it is a good idea that you take a wee break from the weight side of things and just concentrate on your beautiful girls! :)
Sometimes things do pile up for us and our "darling" husbands just don't get it at all!
Take care hun xx
Oh forgot to say - awesome photo of your beautiful girls! Wow look at Caitlyn holding her neck up so strong and proud! Rachel isn't doing that yet - just lays there during tummy time. But just adores sitting up and has real strong neck muscles when sitting.
Life can be a real pain in the butt eh? Why does what we weigh cause so much angst! I have been feeling exactly the same as you lately, and am only just starting to get over it. I hope you can too mate. Your wee girls are so adorable, baby is just soooooo cute! Wish I was near enough to give them a huge hug (and you too).
Firstly - your girls are just gorgeous!!
Secondly - hmpf! MEN! Mine did a similar thing to me the other day. I really had to bite my tongue!
Thirdly - don't be so hard on yourself. Why don't you try taking care of yourself for a while instead of trying to lose weight. Just take some time and enjoy life.
Mine is pretty good at the moment but it took for me to hit rock bottom before he realised how much actually goes on at home when you are there by yourself with kids. don't apologize for feeling depressed but keep on top of it or you could go to a bad place like I have. look after yourself kim.
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