Geez, have I been off the radar for a while.
Flashback to last month. I really hit a big low with my depression. By the 1st of June it had totally consumed me to the point where I sat crying in the shower for half an hour just not wanting to move or even try and get out. The thing that sent me over the edge? A totally innocent comment from my beautiful daughter in the middle of the shopping centre. We had had a totally stressful week as we were changing our mortgage provider and trying to arrange renovations for our house. That afternoon I nicked over to the shop, with Bethany in tow. Pete had asked me to get him a couple of beers, which I did, and while getting our shopping I thought to myself, well if he is having them, I might just have some choccy, and grabbed myself some. Then, while waiting in line, Bethany looked up at me, poked me in the stomach with her finger and said at the top of her lungs, "You've got another bubby in your tummy, haven't ya mum". Everyone turned around to look at me and smiled, obviously thinking I was pregnant and I just turned bright red. When I got to the checkout assistant, I handed her the chocolate, saying we didn't need it any more and I raced home to which I locked myself in the bathroom. It was two days before my 31st birthday and I was over 20kg heavier than I was 2 years ago and about 12kg heavier than I was last year.
Then next morning I made a vow to myself to just relax. Stay away from everything weigh related for a month and not go anywhere near the scales, which I haven't. And I'm glad I did because since then things have only got more stressful. We are still in the middle of our renovations, in fact our garage door is being put on this very minute as I type. I had my father-in-law here for a whole week painting our house (it seemed like a good idea at the time, but two days into it I was tearing my hair out!) and then I had Bethany's 5th birthday party on Saturday with a bouncing castle booked and hail and thunder in the morning, talk about stressful.
But here I am today, still alive, and getting stronger by the day. I know my weight has ballooned out, not from weighing myself but by the clothes that fit and don't fit. But in four days time, I am going to start again. I am going to remove all my gains and losses from my sidebar. Clear the slate and get rid of all negativity. I am ready to try again and I hope that my month off hasn't chased you all away because I am going to need all the help I can get. In fact I think there are actually only about four or five or you out there that still read my blog, so I thank you. If there are any lurkers (people who don't leave comments) reading my blog, please let me know because I need all the support I can.
And just before I sign off, here is a pic of my birthday girl looking so grown up.
And her beautiful smile
I am spending the next couple of days catching up with all of you and what has been going on over the last month. Four sleeps to go.
See you all soon.
5 comments:
I would never give up on you girl, and good on you for deciding to give it another go. Kids say things in all innocence eh? It's a wonder mine didn't expect a new baby for 12 years straight!!! I certainly looked ready to drop for about 10years! SAD. Here's to new beginnings chick, I am here for you 110% OK ? *BIG BIG HUGS* AND I think wee Bethany looks gorgeous, that dress is just so cute!
*hugs* hun! I am still here and checking in most days! I will always be here for you! And I am glad you are feeling better... we are here for you 110%!
And wow Bethany is 5 already!!! She looks so grown up and is so beautiful!
Take care - am always an email away if you want to chat xxx
Bethany has the most gorgeous eyes.
I'm totally with you, wipe the sidebar clean and start fresh. That's what I did and I'm finally getting the numbers to go down. I'm heavier now than when I first started my blog. So a clean slate is a great way to go.
Yep I'm still here too checkin up on ya. I haven't been looking at any blogs for last week due to being sick and stressed out... but I'm here for ya!!
Have you ever thought about going onto something aropax? Alot of people don't like antidepressants but I found them a lifesaver. It helped me clear my head and look at things without crying all the time. And I never found them addictive, was on them for 2mths then when things started coming right for me I weaned myself off and haven't needed them since. But I would consider them again if things got too tough.
Give it some thought
I am on citalopram and it helps to have that buffer for the emotions. I got to rock bottom and, being of the natural health variety, was very anti antidepressants. But, ... now I am feeling better and I accept that I may just have to be on them for a couple of years and it is just part of my everyday routine. They literally are my Happy Pills. I cope better and I just function better. It is bloody hard when you have a little one in the house.
Bethany looks gorgeous and so grown up. where did that time go???
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